i have been focusing on doing something at least once a week that scares me – last week i went alone to square dancing, which i actually have done before, but i also invited an old friend that i've been wanting to spend more time with. we danced together and i think i'm really attracted to him, which i haven't felt for a man in a very, very long time. he's a really trustworthy and kind person that's easy to talk to and is a genuinely good listener, which i find is rare with men, and probably is why i'm not often interested in them. he's also extremely handsome and i'm feeling confident lately. he invited me to go hustle dancing with him next week. i am excited by the possibility of starting new kinds of intimate relationships with people i consider friends, with no intentions of anything becoming serious. i am the pilot and passenger of my own life and sometimes i pick others up along the way. i feel incredible and free not having, and not wanting, to belong to anybody; or to have any labels or expectations prescribed to me.
today I went to a community market at the park beside my house, where anyone could bring a blanket and sell things. I sold three of my shirt designs. i have been procrastinating my own design work because i think it has a lot of potential and this possibility freaks me out. i actually decided to start taking it seriously again because a girl matched with me on hinge and was literally wearing one of my shirts that i printed and gave away to value village when i moved...
i can take myself seriously, with grace. i have a serious joyful and legitimate life and i made it all by myself!
--------- mar 26 2026
have been biking to work and back as often as the weather allows lately. i still feel awkward on it, and still have to get off to walk the last hill on my way back. but i feel good about it, like it's going to get easier over time, without me noticing. i already notice that my day feels slower than it does when i drive – even though the bike ride is longer, i feel the passage of time differently when my own body is taking itself where it has to go. in the car, i feel a sense of amnesia once i've gotten out of it, like i was on autopilot. it makes me listless and prone to scrolling.
daydreaming about living somewhere smaller lately, somewhere i can be outside more, with the wet trees and the quiet, but i think i would only wish my family was there. why did they have to choose to settle somewhere so flat, so dry and so boring?
my birthday is approaching and i feel the regular vague sense of dread and anticipation i always feel. i always have this idea that i have to do something drastic quickly before it gets here, to prove my life is moving forward rather than standing still.
--------- mar 21 2026
starting my day with a very thick smoothie and a morning bedtime read of Quakeland by Francesca Lia Block, which made me feel a bit melancholy. i'm trying to replace my morning scroll with something else, but i think the only helpful solution is to go outside as soon as i wake up. my house is not quite a basement — the main window is tall and starts at ground level — but not quite a regular height, either. it feels strange to be on the bottom floor with a proper house crushing you from above, almost into the ground. i wake up to a sunrise alarm that chirps the same bird noise over and over because i get no real sunlight in my bedroom. maybe when it starts to feel warmer i will brave going outside first thing and my circadian rhythm will be less confused.
today the rains stopped for the first time in over a week, and i expect everyone will be outside and grinning, high off the vitamin d. i just bought a bike last weekend and i can finally ride it, although i'm super out of shape and going up a single hill makes me feel like i'm actually fucking dying, and i still feel awkward on it, like i'm learning to ride again for the first time. i will go to the seawall and see how far my legs want to take me.
--------- mar 19 2026
new diary page ❤ this is for my loose, unstructured and mindless thoughts. i have been feeling pretty melancholy which might be due to the fact that it's a rainstorm where i live and i haven't seen the sun for damn near 4 days. this weekend i'm going to a going-away party, a western/cowboy party, and then a 1920s jazz club birthday, so i'm hoping my very unpredictable social streak makes an appearance so i'm not too burnt out from it all. lately i have been focusing on re-manifesting my magnetism.